The Crossfit Cult – The Crossfit Trap #crossfit #cult #ihatecrossfit

Bible Beating Crossfitters are coming to a neighborhood near you.
Bible Beating Crossfitters are coming to a neighborhood near you.

Bible Beating Crossfitters are coming to a neighborhood near you.


Many of you out there who share my distaste for Crossfit, but still find the workouts to be very effective, have most likely noticed the cultish feeling of a crossfit box.  Let’s make one thing clear.  Crossfit is a cult.  Even various different crossfit boxes refer to themselves as cults.  You can do a simple search on your favorite search engine for the keywords “Crossfit Cult” and you might be surprised that there are T-shirts, bumper stickers, and even a box named Crossfit Cult out of Melbourne Australia.

So now that non-crossfitters and crossfitters alike call crossfit a cult, let me explain to you exactly how this cultish culture creates a strange breed of high sock wearing, grass fed hotdog swallowing, bible beatin sons of bitches.

Before you found out about crossfit, someone told you about it.  They were so enthusiastic and positive that it infectiously drew you into going into the box to check it out.  Walking into a smelly warehouse with sweat angels on the rubber matted floor, people hooting and hollering, and big ass weights being thrown around the gym, you are now bewildered with the idea of this gym.  It is so non-traditional, and they don’t even have mirrors for you to see your fat ass whipping yourself with the jump rope or for you to understand that you have awful form.

You are at the box, see the culture, and do a workout.  You are panting like the dog that you are, grasping for air, but you feel somewhat good, almost as if you have achieved a great feat.  Maybe you didn’t quite figure it out when you were trying this workout named FRAN, but it sinks in that everyone at the box was surrounding you and cheering you on.  Yes!  You were popular again.  No more awkwardness and nightmares of being a worthless, washed up high school third string baton twirler.  This was a place where people were so proud of you for being able to finish a workout and really seemed as if they liked you.  What an esteem booster!

Ante up lady.  $200 a month.  Well, it’s cheaper than Marcelo at Gold’s Gym, who was charging you $50 a session 4 days a week for him to tell you his love life issues and ask you on a date, so what the hell.

Congratulations!  You are now in a cult.  It’s not too late if you just joined, but for the others who have been there for more than a month, it is safe to say that you are screwed.

Let’s venture into the cult rabbit hole.  You find that your nike shocks don’t fit in with the rest of the people at crossfit, so you go buy yourself a pair of Innov-8’s or Reebok Nano’s because that is what everyone else is wearing.  Do your own goddamn research about sneakers and cross-trainers.  Go talk to a professional, not just buy what every other person is wearing.

Next, you find the corresponding Facebook page for your crossfit affiliate.  You start seeing all the happy people lifting weights and talking shop.  Now you have found some of your crossfit friends, make a stupid-ass post on their Facebook wall to the tune of “Nice sweaty snatch this morning!” and only you and the crossfitters laugh at it.  Someone’s mother could be reading that.  Dick.

Oh wait, you mean that your regular workout clothes aren’t enough?  Time for you to go buy the boxes racer back tank top, long socks, and the latest Lululemon ass huggers that you can get your hands on, so you can feel sexy.  Oh you are a dude?  That’s even worse.  Buy some weird board shorts and t-shirts that poke fun at people that don’t do crossfit like “WODKILLA” or “BEAST MODE” or “I LOVE JERKS.”

Now you are knee deep in the crossfit cult rabbit hole.  You have the clothes, the sneakers, the facebook friends, and you have begun speaking this language that only other crossfitters can understand.  “I PR’d today on the RX weight on SDHP!”  Oh and you can’t talk about anything else.  Ever.  Screw you and your acronyms.  Nobody cares, except your crossfit friends.

Wait.  You just had an epiphany!  Why do you need other friends, when you have CROSSFIT FRIENDS!  Let’s have a PALEO party at my house and then go out for PALEO drinks after!

This cult trains, eats, drinks, and entertains together.  Not only do they entertain, but they all have this new found self confidence and think that they are better looking now, and they all wind up hooking up with each other.  Crossfit may trim some extra fat off your stomach, but it sure as hell doesn’t teach you how to give a better BJ or be more enthusiastic in the bedroom.  You still will suck at that no matter what.  Thank your uncle for that, and go see a therapist.

Eventually you will start to hang out more frequently with your new friends, chat about WODs, and participate in these ridiculous tournaments around your local area.  Hell, you love it so much, with your cosmetology license expiring next month and a couple week’s worth of Crossfit classes, you can go become Level 1 Certified and find a new career!

You drank the Crossfit Koolaid.  If you are part of the cult and act like a cult member, take a step back and think about everything that I am saying.  It is not too late for you to turn in your douchecard and to start eating cheese again.  You can still join a crossfit gym and function in regular society, but it takes practice.  Practice for people like you to stop talking about crossfit and practice for people like me, to tell you that I just don’t give a shit about your Paleo muffin top.

If you were one of the smart ones (like myself), you would see that this type of behavior is NOT NORMAL.  I have tons of respect for people who train hard for competition that have national accord and recognition, but have little respect for crossfitters who think that they are elitist athletes and the fittest on earth, because they can back squat their body weight, but can’t catch a football or swing a golf club.

Get out of the cult.  It is ruining crossfit for people that like the workouts, like me and plenty others like me.

I’ll be hitting the local crossfit box tomorrow as part of dosage of Olympic Lifting and HIIT training, but still undertand that I hate crossfit.



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